Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
