He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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