The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
