I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
