I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
