yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
