Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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