on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
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Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
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Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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