sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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