My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
