somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
