who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
