I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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