his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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