i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
