Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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