last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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