I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
