and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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