i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
