His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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