remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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