hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
