So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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