even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize