i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Are we still banned from the library?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
