Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
vagina is talking i cant
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
