I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
