yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
