I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
