There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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