I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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