God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She's not a foreskin expert like you
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
