She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
