i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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