you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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