im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
