apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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