I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
