Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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