so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
