Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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