he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
