WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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