u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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