she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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