you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
