it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
