my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
