Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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