There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
