God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
