Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
40s are totally the cure
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Randomize
