I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
