mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
