Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
