Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Holy sore nipples Batman
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
