Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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