I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize