I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
