how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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