I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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